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December 9, 2024

Weather: The entire week was nothing but moody weather.

Busy asf

Many convoluted things happened last week in which this date of the diary cannot possibly contain, but this week has been fine so far, I believe. I don't quite have such energy as others to constantly write as the effect of university keeps hampering down my personal hobbies.

Made new content for the website, like the supervillain chart, and FINALLY revamping the mobile navigation menu after so long, thanks w3 for the free and open source codes.

Here is how the navigation bar have changed:

The 2nd image was me being lazy and trying to scale so the words aren't messy and all, but in the end I had to make a burger menu to appeal the masses. Are you happy now? ARE YOU HAPPY???????????

Jokes aside though, I'm shifting my focus to Javascript after all these side projects and all. It's gonna be a long time until I get what it takes to be front-end.

Before you ask, no im not gonna change this navbar.

November 25, 2024

Weather: Cloudly, rain seems to be repressing itself.

I don't know what to do

I keep staying away from the diary because I got severely burnt out. Sure there were high scores and praises I've never had in my college life, the aftermath felt extremely depressing.

I genuinely don't know what to do, I feel lost and scared. This is how i really feel when I'm given space to think about myself and the future. I have unresolved mental issues that I have neglected in favor of temporary ecstasy. I forgot the reality of the future and I have no plans for myself. I'm without plans, no ideas, nothing to write for my blogs, or making websites. I feel limited. I feel at the Valley of Despair of the Dunning-Kruger Effect. Breaks don't even work anymore, my darkest, most vile thoughts seem to constantly overwhelm me.

I hate it when I'm alone with my thoughts. I hate it when I'm not busy, but I also appreciate myself for realizing this. It hurts, but it's better than living blind, letting problems building up one by one, but at the same time, I dont have a solution. People told me to cope, but it's genuinely impossible to do without freaking out. It's fucked up. This is the most fucked up burnout I've ever gotten in my life.

The sky today is cloudly, but rain seems to be repressing itself, but sometimes I wonder why it's hard for me to cry.

November 7, 2024

Weather: The monsoon season.

So many things to say at once...

My absence was accounted for the fact that I spent 2 weeks doing homeworks non-stop. It was jarring, but I did it, the marathon is over.

Yesterday, the Donald claimed the Resolute Desk once again, and I felt tremendous fear for my friends overseas who had just discovered themselves. They will be ostracized out of Land of the Free, and even worse, America's influence will certainly put a pressure on neighboring countries.

They used to laugh at America for losing in 2016, now they looked in horror. They know their friends will meet their worst adversary. Even I felt numb and exhausted, from homework and from the thought that my friends are expecting the worst upon them.

But who knows, it's a common occurrence that the president never truly does all he delivered, but this guy is super adamant on re-running. I think that mindset is going to change very soon.

I just hope that my friends won't let go of themselves in the future.

October 24-25, 2024

Weather: Sunny, but somehow, a large cloud formed in the middle and rained...

Today was fine

There's nothing to be said at all, this day was the most I've relaxed in so long. It's probably the common trope of calm before the storm, but for now, I'd rather enjoy all the calm I can before I head back to doing homeworks.

...

The 25th day. I tried to readjust the website for a bit, wrote a blog about what's changed, There won't be anything fancy besides going outside for dinner with family since god knows how long. I wonder if we had spent more time together talking more than just doing chores.

P/s: The water tank is broken so my bathroom is completely disabled. Until that's fixed I'll be the stinkest ever in the room. /j

October 23, 2024

Weather: Lightly clouded, foggy, road flooded.

Today was ominous.

I legit had no faith in my teammate at all. This is literally why teamwork in college is always ass, nothing really gets done unless you were their friends since the freshmen year or something. Maybe it's just paranoia kicking in again, and I legit have nothing to worry about, I think.

On the bright side, my homework wasn't ass this time, and I'm happy to be received sentimental feedback this time than cold and ruthless criticism. Not that I hate cold and ruthless criticism, back then I really just needed some fresh air and I legit received NONE of it. I'm tired, beaten, but relaxed. All I wanted was a nap, but I want to write a blog about something.

...

I stumbled upon an Anthony Fantano video, discussing how being genuine to people has become a joke, how we have relinquished our genuineness because people have lost critical media literacy. Basically the syndrome of "I ain't reading allat" and "Bro it's not that deep I swear we don't joke around like this" then proceed to continue doing it anyway. I think I also had that kind of problem once, how I thought of a strange question, then thought it's kind of stupid to ask, so I had to proclaim that "Uh, this question is a bit cheesy/stupid, but". I recall not feeling that great saying those words, as I've lost my innocent, curiosity self. I guess the sudden change of how I was taught has made me doubt my intelligence, how I became paranoid, that I was not willing to be genuine to myself. I guess that phenomenon also fell on other people, how everything is memed to death and treated like a joke. Being genuine has been met with lame humor, that it became super widespread you don't even know you don't even know you're also a victim of it.

I shouldn't really think what I ask can be an affront to others, because after all, I'm still in the learning age. Thus, I will ask questions without thinking if it's stupid or not, because it's better I remain confident and true to myself, than to be ashamed of myself because people don't take my questions seriously.

October 22, 2024

Weather: Heavily clouded, light rain, sometimes there were thunders

Today was weird

Despite the fact that my homework was fine the way it is, it was literally the most mass produced type work ever made. Though my effort for other project was graded better and I legit got paid for it (5 dollars max), I still feel that lingering disappointment behind my own work...

That feeling of "not good enough" struck me, although it might not be true for other people. Just because a teacher said it, doesn't mean others would say the same to you.

But I'm not a very happy-going person in the world. One word of disappointment can break me for days, despite all the encouragement. I started to feel like everybody deceived me, complimented because they didn't want to disappoint me. I really want people to be more truthful to my efforts, telling me that "it sucks", so I can at least be motivated to fix it, not reinforcing "it's fine" so I can show it off to teachers and then they sighed "Are you sure you're confident in this?"

At the same time, I don't want to suck it up. Sucking it up not a healthy mindset, and yes I'm tired of toxic masculinity. People thought it was fine to suck it up and let it rot your mental state, then become the worst version of themselves towards others. I saw that happening with my friends, my family, they endured so much I felt pity, but at the same time wanting to distance myself from them.

This diary may be an unhealthy attempt of sucking it up though, but I hope this page won't be always used for negavitity. I hope to come back here and write positive stories, stories I cannot show others. My happiness is my own.